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I am me, Me is I. I express myself through writing and through my actions but not my words. I think with my heart but sometimes my brain takes over. I dream, I feel, I breathe, I love, I think. With trust comes my respect but break it once and you will spends years maybe your life rebuilding it and it will never, ever under any circumstances be completely regained.

Monday, February 7, 2011

....My Life Be Like, not moving anywhere.

Sometimes my mind starts to wonder and let I let myself sink into deep thoughts, esspecially when I am home alone. I'm starting to wonder where I stand, where I am in life, what to do, where do I go from here? And now that I have finished school, everything has changed and I am trying to keep up. When it comes to my friends, I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't really get to see anyone and now that most of my friends are out of school, they are moving on and closing up their friendships circles and I am kinda outta the loop here. I don't really feel like I have any close friends anymore and I feel like I'm not the one they want to hang out with or see anymore. They're all moving on with TAFE and UNI and they all start their courses soon but I am taking a gap year. I don't regret my decision because I have good reasons for it. I want to get a full-time job so I can afford my TAFE course (diploma of Nursing Enrolled Nurse course) and I am also joining the army reserves.
But finding a job is so hard and my dad and step-mum are on my back everytime I see them and speak to them, thats all that seems to matter to them. "Have you got a job yet?" "you realllly have to get a move on and start searching" "why don't you have a job yet?"....seriously BACK off. I'm doing the best I can and it isn't my fault that I'm not getting anything back yet. All they do is stress me out about everything. I'm over being treating like I'm a useless daughter that isn't motivated, doesn't know what she's doing, to lazy to do this, doesn't dress like this, doesn't behave like that. Why can't they accept me for me?
And my friends...My best friend I'm not allowed to see anymore coz her parents hate me, I don't get to see her also because she is still at highschool and I'm finished, My once best friend who still thinks of me as a best friend just drives me insane and bugs me all the time but I yet I can't help but miss her and it would hurt so much if we stopped all contact for good but I still can't stand her, it's weird this attatchment to her. My school-daughter, I consider her a great friend, we never really had huge conversations or talk deep into things but I love her to bits and she is just so cute, but I don't get to see her anymore, ever. She isn't allowed to come over because I live so far away from her and she is also now still at school. I miss her heaps. Another friend of mine, my concert buddy, she is just tooo depressing. Everything now is a drama or "I'm going to cut myself, I hate the world", but she brings it on herself. I can't stand it and if I say anything, it's like I become this evil person who she hates with a passion because "how dare I say something like that". My outside of school friends have closed up there circle, they see eachother all the time, text and call eachother, but they never reply to what I say really and are always pre-occupied or have plans. Then the group I hung out with at school for the last year, they don't really speek much and only decide to hang out when it's a bday or something, they aren't into the, lets-hang-out-and-have-a-sleep-over-just-coz type of thing.
I just feel so lost. Why do I have to live so far away and why is it so hard to get my P's. If only I had my P's, then I would be able to go place and go and see people, but my parents are not helpful at all in helping me drive with them to get my hours up. It's either I don't feel like it, to much cost for petrol or how about tomorrow?
This heat just doesn't help. I am trying to lose weight because I need to be a certain weight to get into the army reserves, but it's too hot and excersize makes me feel sick and lethargic in this weather. My body doesn't handle the heat. The pool down the road is also way to expensive. I hate sitting here, everyday, doing the same thing over and over. Sleep-in, eat, TV, Laptop, nap if I feel like it, stay up late watching TV or a movie then bed again only to do the same thing. I miss school.

Sorry for the random rant but writing is one of the only ways I can get things off my mind and express myself. :)
I should get some sleep.
Beth xx

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