About Me

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I am me, Me is I. I express myself through writing and through my actions but not my words. I think with my heart but sometimes my brain takes over. I dream, I feel, I breathe, I love, I think. With trust comes my respect but break it once and you will spends years maybe your life rebuilding it and it will never, ever under any circumstances be completely regained.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

...A challenge accepted!

So I am going through a massive life change right now. Yeah I found something else to blog about even though I should go to bed coz I have to go early tomorrow. Anyhoo, I have things about myself I don't like. Things about my body, my bad habits, my personality, you get the drift.

I started with my room. A complete and total mess. Represents my mind. It is now clean, tidy and re-arrange though I am still trying to work in the Feng Shui but having a mirror (especially the one I have) is bad so I am figuring ways I can change that. I feel much clearer in my mind like I have more room to think.

Now to work on the body and the personality. This starts with excersize, healthy eating and cleansing of the mind and body by clearing the rest of your space. For eg. Spaces you are frequently found (i.e. living room, kitchen, work.) Keep them clean and clutterless. Work on your body. Not just the parts you want to fix, but all of it. Keeping yourself toned, fit and healthy leads to a better well-being and the release of more of the good stuff into your body such as endorphin's that make you happy. Healthy eating also makes sure that all that excersize doesn't go to waste. Plus you feel better too when you eat something healthy and light rather than something heavy, fatty and sloppy. :) It's not hard when you get going. I have actually lost 10 kilos in the past year and I now weigh 70kg though probably less now that I have started this....but I haven't weighed myself for a while. I probably should.

I am also making a positivity poster! Decorate it! Make it pretty! Write on it with bright colours all the things you like about yourself and things that make you feel good like going for a walk or seeing the sunset/rise. Stick it somewhere you will see it everyday! Mine is going on my mirror!

It has been emotional so I won't lie and say that it is easy. I have snapped, cried, laughed and even completely broken down. I even broke down the other day when I rode a bike for the first time in years. The first part of the bike ride my dad decided we'd start up hill....I almost died after five minutes and threw up. I felt so gutted and devistated that my cardio os so bad that I rode home and let dad finish his bike ride....But I picked myself up when he got back and took myself on an easier ride for 40mins....I felt much better about myself and started at a level I was more capable of. I have bought a skipping rope and a new pair of running shoes (which cost a fortune but are worth it) to help build my cardio because I have to be able to get a minimum of 7.5 on the beep test. I have 2 years and no more to reach this goal otherwise my life's goal to be an army nurse dwindles down the drain. I also made my own weights out of two 600ml water bottles, rocks and water to help build muscle in my arms because I also fail at push ups and need to be able to do 10....I can't even do two. Sit-ups I am proud to say I can actually do 40. I feel the burn afterwoods but I can do them none the less.

All in all I am building my fitness and my well being. It's been difficult and I have had some SERIOUS downers....but I am picking myself up and moving on. I can do this. By this summer I WILL be comfortable enough to where bikinis at the beach. Or even just a full piece with no shorts. I have a goal. I have a dream. I am sticking to it.

Beth xx

P.s Believe!

...Long time no blog!

Well....what can I say. I got lazy? Bored? Distracted? Totally forgot about the blog? Bad internet? Yeah excuses but pshh.

SOOOO. A lot has happened since my last blog which was a bit of a rager.... which I apoligise for.

Anyhoo. So I am not sure whether or not I posted about this but I lost the job at the coffee shop. Long story but they "didn't think I was up to scratch". Actually I reached the end of my probation period and rather than costing them $10 an hour...I jumped up to $13 hour. They can get stuffed.

Also...Wilson's son. The one whose mother I was raging about before....yeah he can get stuffed. He broke my trust. He lost my respect. And he lost my friendship. He can beg and crawl and send as many soppy sorry messages as he wants but he will NEVER get that back. Not explaining why. But he is a disgusting Dirtbag!

Wow it's hard to summerise everything that has happened since my last blog. Fuck I can't spell tonight!

Also on a greater side....I got my Provisional Licence!!! I am so excited because I can now drive everywhere on my own! Which is great because I am house/dog sitting my Aunt's house for a week while she goes on holiday with her husband! I am so excited but my mother is so scared. :) typical mum hehe.

If I think of anything else I need to blog about than I shall blog but right now my brain is mush after a shitty day at work...I filled in for another store....my gosh do they need to learn how to tidy as they go.

anyhoo! Night all!
Beth xx

P.s You're Amazing! Believe it!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

...My buisness...not yours bitch!

FOR FUCK SAKE! I am seriously raging right now! Wilsons ex-wife (whom we call vagina) has started shit about the fact her son and I talk, text and IM on Facebook eachother....we are best friends, and that's what best friends do! Being best friends, we talked about a lot of personal stuff, he confided in me as I did him...well stupid idiot ignored me when I said delete all messages just incase coz we know what his mother is like....well he didnt...and Miss Vagina went through them ALL! FML. She sent everything He and I spoke about to Wilson who (apparently chose not to read them but I think he did) and she started shit going off about the content of the messages....this could fuck some things up...I want to hit, scream, scratch, punch, throttle this woman with all that I have and show her how much her kids distrust and have no respect for her....She goes through EVERYTHING they have...their phones, their facebook, their entire life, what they say, do, see...SHE HAS TO KNWO EVERYTHING...been to the toilet but forgot to flush coz you were in a hurry? She'll know about it and her kids will cop it. She tries to wreck my mum and Wilsons relationship and she is trying to fuck me over..but by gosh...she has no right to do this...she has something wrong mentally...I reckon Bipolar to the extreme but this incesive need to know absolutely everything....she even invades my privacy on facebook but going through my stuff then arking up about something on my page...IT IS MY LIFE! She has no need to intrude...

I just want to cry and have a big cuddle. Mum doesn't know what Zach and I spoke about so she doesn't understand why I am soo furious and want to cry...she just thinks I am being stupid....FFS

Miss Virgina...Go die in a hole....go fuck yourself then throw yourself into that little hole and die...No I will never be polite to you. Next time I see you don't expect me to be polite. You have not got my respect or trust therefore I will treat you like you are nothing but a piece of shit...

...Party, Party, Party!

SUE TURNED 18! We dressed up 50's style and went out for dinner! It was about 10 her good friends there and we managed to get her to have 2 drinks and a shot....my gosh that was amusing! Afterwoods, most people left and who was left over went to a game place....we played so many games and I won the jackpot on one of them! We combine our tickets together and we had over 500! It was great! We all got fairy wands, matching rings with stick on earings, rubbers and Sue got a ninja sword and a dodgy airplane thingy....Sue and her wonderful friend who is now also my friend came back to my house for the night....twas epic...

Beth xx

...Surprise well planned!

So my mothers surprise birthday was a real winner! My cousin stayed over for a few days and helped me wrap my mothers present...I must say I am proud of our wrapping coz it was done with paper and lots of it, feathers, ribbons, tape and staples. It was pretty awesome :P. We then surprised her with some breakfast in the morning then I had to go to work for a few hours. Afterwork I met up with Sue and surprised her with her 18th prezzy....getting her ears pierced! It was funny but she made it through and now she absolutely loves then and doesn't understand why she was so scared to get it done.

Anyhoo my mother picked me up from work and my cousin and I got started with the plans for the rest of the night. As it was Wilsons weekend with the kids, he usually comes over....but cunning as I am, I got Wilson to say that he was going to be late showing up and that the kids had to stay til after dinner at their mums....We decided that we should go to a great Pie place for dinner coz it was cheaper. Anyhoo that was still going to complicate things coz Wilson said that he was stuck in traffic and will meet us a the Pie place.....SOOO we got him to say that his ex wife was being a bitch and that he had had to many beers and couldn't drive and that he will see her the day after....Mum was miserable...but how else would we get her to dress up nice when we were only going to a Pie place? So My cuz Anne and I decided that we should all dress up and have make-overs so that we could feel good outside even if mum may not be to happy inside...but it worked....
We got in the car and I said I would drive...but when it got to that point where we would turn to head to the Pie place...I said "nup, I don't feel like pie".....Boy did my mum lose it then....the whole way to the resturant she kept going off at me then trying to guess where we were going...it was funny.
We rocked up at the shops where the resturant and she thought she had it figured out by then...We walked into the Italian resturant and she thought "hmm ok, I do like this place...Isn't it nice Anne and Beth thought about us three having dinner together...." she was so wrong....when everyone yelled surprise, she cried!!
It was an Amazing night. Pier was probably the one that made me cry the most...he caught a bus...no....3 buses to get there (he has polio and was wheelchair ridden and can only walk with the use of a crutch on good days)...he arrived at 1:30 so he could miss the school kid rush...he waited until 6pm (which was when the party started) for us...and was quite prepared to catch 3 more buses home that night afterwoods which wouldn't guarantee that he would be dropped close to him house....Not to mention that one of his calipers gave away while he was walking causing his leg to break in six places...He is trully the most amazing man alive...I love him to bits!

All in all it was an excelent night!

Beth xx

P.s I forgot the candles to the cake...Luckily there is a woolies nearby and I had a chance to slip away!

Friday, April 22, 2011

...Wondering where the people I care about are...

I am in a mood. I miss so many people, some of which I feel have moved on like I am no longer needed. It's a weird feeling going from the mother-like figure, to the one who's kind of forgotten, left out, out-of-date, out of the loop. What can I say...I actually miss school. But for some reason, even if I went back...It would all be to different. I feel like we have grown apart. They're off making new friends while I'm here missing them like crazy...But those random moments I get from them where they leave me a little message on facebook or something like that actually make me cry...I hate cry but I seem to do a lot of it lately...

I'm even crying now writing this stupid thing...but if I don't write it, it all bottles up inside and just becomes horrible. It's it to much to ask for just a hug, to see the faces of people I care about...To actually see my friends more often. I mean sure work friends are great but they are exactly that...Work friends. I see them when I work, that's as far as the friendship extends. I don't really have friends I can just ring up and say "let's hang out tonight" anymore...I have Sue, but even now she is to busy with everything else. I just miss people. I used to get hugs everyday...I never knew how much I could miss the,. I get them from mum sure...but it's just not the same. I crave to get out more, but of course I work, my friends have school/uni/work OR simply they just ignore my messages or not bother replying to them. That or they live so far away :( FML seems to be to frequent in my vocabulary.

I suppose one person I miss the most is Mok. My little-school daughter. I loved getting hugs from her everyday...her random little comments, how she makes me laugh so hard, just simply everything. It's funny becuase she is now taller than me too. Hehe. <3

My gosh I must sound miserable...haha not to mention I had an 11-9 shift today in seafood which was complete MAYHEM! but anyhoo I will tell you all a funny little story that happend yesterday.

Mum went off to Wilson's for the night so I decided to get comfy and watch Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That movie was long, brilliant, sad and happy. I loved it. But it was a little depressing so I though hey, who cares if it is late, I'll watch Kung Fu Panda to make me laugh before I sleep. In my DVD case I found a movie that shouldn't belong...It was called DirectDiposit...A PORNO! Our neighbour, see, has been borrowing our DVD's about 10 at a time because that is all he does all day...It seems that one day when returning our DVD's he accidently put the porno in the DVD pile...NOT exactly the kinda thing I wanna see when I'm looking for Kung Fu Panda....But anyhoo the damn DVD is still sitting on our bench waiting to go back...the guys already know it is missing and have asked for it back but they haven't been home while we are home so we haven't been able to return their...ah...movie. Thing is though I left it on the table so I could show mum in the morning so she could take it back to them...thank gosh my mum knwos me well enough to know I don't like that sorta thing...esspecially when I was asleep when she came home and found it...I'd left it on the coffee table and forgot to put it on the bench with a note before I fell asleep, but hey, I was pretty damn tired. But anyway I can't wait to get rid of the damn thing coz naked women is soo not my thing, and conisdering it is on the bench for all to see...it's kind of embarrassing....I just hope my mum isn't secretly thinking I am watching them because I know that mum is hiding Wilson's porno DVD's here because his son has been sneaking them...(he's 13 btw). It's funny because I have a slight suspision that Wilson's son knows that they are here and where they are...maybe it's actually one of Wilson's DVD's. But either way, I want it gone.

Beth xx


So I write a little poetry. It helps me vent...but I was browsing my Facebook notes and came across one of my favourite poems that I wrote a while back. It's dark but I thought you guys might like to read it anyhoo.

The Reaper Smiles

Dreary, cold, discoloured is this night.
Shadows of the trees that loom around her,
Creation of unholy and demonic creatures it creates.
Insanity wrecks this world
Of the children of the night, the underworlders,
Those of demonic blood with soul of pure hatred.
The ruler over them,
For he smiles over each and everyone of them.
Those who dare look at him,
Wondering what exactly lurks under that cloak,
Hiding his ivory coloured bones and his hollow eyes.
Clutching his scyth, four age withered fingers and a thumb.
The reaper looks over the world as if it was his own,
His game, his job.
Ending the life of those around, controlling.
Shivering uncontrollably, he pulls her close,
Wraping his free bony, cloaked arm over her.
Leaning down, he wispers,
"This world you see, the last time you ever will,
At least not in your living body. Your soul shall walk this earth,
wreaking havoc, destroying the minds and perishing all those who dare cross your way.
This is you future, your eternal undead life"
Turning for the last time she ever will, he smiles at her.
The look of dead. Collapses.
Laying limp by his feet, scyth between her rib cage,
He rumbles with laughter,
So deep, so sinister that the dead of the night
Sends howls and cries of the underworld over the ash ridden city.
Smiling again he steps over her, softly he murmers,
"Come, my child, let your soul join the many that roams this earth,
Do my bidding and work for me at you own will.
Scream to me the names of those you long so much for revenge."
"Yes my master" is all she could say,
The world now, she finally sees clearly,
Her targets are you who keep this world at its purest of evil.
Lets not see the reapers smile for ourselves, unless like she,
Who does not fear the reaper, but works for him at her own will.

Beth xx