About Me

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I am me, Me is I. I express myself through writing and through my actions but not my words. I think with my heart but sometimes my brain takes over. I dream, I feel, I breathe, I love, I think. With trust comes my respect but break it once and you will spends years maybe your life rebuilding it and it will never, ever under any circumstances be completely regained.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

...One big mosh pit!

Asking Alexandria, 36 Crazyfists, Dommin, BFMV, Stonesour, Bless the Fall, 30 Seconds to Mars, Coheed and Cambria, Blackout and The Polar Bear Club...with Iron Maden To finish it off. Well all I can say is FUCK YEAH! Gosh, Soundwave was the freaking awesome, amazing, and just pure epic. I have been waiting since my birthday last year to go and yesterday was the day.
With my friends Maggie and Wise, my day was complete. Moshpits, Death Circles, Wall of Deaths, Crowd Surfing and jumping off speakers into the crowd. I can't get over the excitement. I fell asleep with the entire day playing through my head.
I am speechless about the day...it was just amazing. I hope next years line up is good too coz I am so going!
I still have my wristband on and thankfully, I still have my dignity. After Soundwave, I was waiting for my mum and Wilson to come pick me up and they got a little lost. we found them on the otherside of the street we were on so we colted across the road dodging cars. I was doing pretty well as I was running down the gutter but then I stacked it. All I could hear from the crowd of people walking down the street was "oooohhhhhhh" but I ninja rolled and pretty much saved myself from being seriously injured. I rolled over ninja style and stood up quickly and kept running saying "im oooookkkk". full of adrenalin I bolten the rest of the way and Maggie and I opened up the car door and slid in just in time for the traffic lights to turn green.
I was very impressed with myself. I has the skillz.
SO it's the day after and I am totally exausted but content. All the blue, pink and purple that was in my hair is now gone almsot completely coz of the sweat and the sunscreen, but ah well.

Oh I needn't forget how amazing 30 Seconds to Mars was....He is amazing and the band is amazing. Everyone was so full of energy and the vube felt so good. I screamed like a little girl and was jumping up and down with excitement. Gosh I love them. So awesome.

Well there is still so much to tell but I don't know how to word it. Best Freaking Day Ever!

I think I may go to sleep soon and rest my head from this blasted headache.
Catchas later!
Beth xx

Friday, February 18, 2011

...Well that was fun

So I have had a busy week and a bit.
First: I went to my dads last weekend and it was actually pretty good. I did some more manual driving with dad. He is a good teacher and I haven't paniced once with him. My little sisters were cute as always! We went the farmers markets on the saturday and got up at 6:00am to be there by 7am. We had our usual Knackwurst sausage for brekkie and a coffee with a morning tea of freshly made yogurt and freshly squeezed juice. Twas good. My grandparents came over that night too which was good. I always love seeing them. :) I had a pretty good weekend all in all complete with breakfast sunday morning with the family at The Coffee Club. Which leads me to the rest of my week.
My cousin Anne came over that sunday night and she is still here! :D It's been pretty fun. We have been staying up soooo late every night and waking up at 12:30 in the arvo. Most of the time has been spent doing not much at all besides pissing ourselves laughing. It has been great! We even managed to make Valentines day fun. Valentines day is my Mum and Wilsons 2nd anniversary. Mum went to Wilsons house on the sunday night at his request. Turns out that he had taken monday (valentines day) off just to be with mum. So Anne and I took the chance to have some fun. We made a little menu and decided to set up outside as a little romantice dinner place for two completed with little candles around our (brand new...well kinda old but new to us (mum surprised me with it when I got home sunday from dads :D)) spa pool (non functioning spa). We put a table cloth on the table complete with plates, cutlery, a wine glass for mum and a stubby cooler for Wilson. On the side we had a pot filled with Ice which contained a wine bottle of Wispers Chardonnay and two Four X beers for Wilson. In the pool we put flowers too. I ended up cooking a roast chicken marinated in lime and coriandor and roast vegetables. Let's just say the mum and Wilson LOVED it. We even served them Ice Cream with a drizzle of caramel and a freddo and ferrero rocher on top. :) twas a good night.
Also....I dyed some of my hair pink....it's freaking awesome. Anne was so excited she had the chance to dye my hair....finally! And tomorrow....we are putting Velvet Blue in mums hair.... we are excited! I am also having a strand of hair dyed pink with blue coon stripes. FTW!
Tonight Anne and I walked around the shops putting positve sticky notes on everything. There was even a lady walking around with one of my sticky notes on her shirt! It made me smile. After that we went and saw Black Swan.....It is such a brilliant, fucking AWESOME movie. Very well done, disturbing and on edge. It gave me goosebumps. I recommend it to you all.

All in all I am in a pretty rad mood!
Laters peeps!!!
Beth xx

Thursday, February 10, 2011

...I've had enough

Some people just can't take a joke. They have to ruin it and point out things...things I already knew. I was simply making fun of the government and channel 9 because of how they worded something but everyone got all technical. So now I can't joke around anymore? Everyone finishes school and starts Uni and they decide they taking the micky outta of something just isn't funny and they joking about something is immature. Seriously guys! Loosen up a little. Just because you are starting Uni now doesn't mean you have to lose the child inside of you. It's ok to joke, it's ok to live a little and act immature sometimes, it's ok to have fun.
Why is everyone degrading me for it? Yes, I am outgoing. Yes, I can act a little crazy. Yes, I can be immature. Yes, Small things amuse me but so what! I'm living my life and I am trying to make the best of it, but it's so hard when everyone around you just kinda seems to push you down or look at you like you are an absolute retard, an immature child. FFS.

I didn't get to do my sticky note plan with Sue. Unfortunately work rang and asked me to come in for 3 hours coz they had some training to do...and well, I am strapped for cash and desperately need it. I cried alot about it though because work is just screwing me over and they always ring when I have something planned, but when I am doing nothing and want to work, I never get work. I felt so bad for Sue too. She was so excited about it...and I had to turn her down.

I did something nice in the wee hours of this morning. I wrote my mums partner a little note to put in his lunch box saying Hey Wilson! Hope you have a great day at work. Enjoy your lunch! <3 Beth xox =D. Just simply to make his day because his own kids don't give a rats ass. I made the man cry. He really deserves better than the attention his kids give him. I write my mum a letter. I've been a bit of a snappy chappy lately and mum has been copping it from me. I felt bad about it. She is also going through her own problems so we have both just been edgy and it's just caused tension in the air.
This is the letter:
Good Morning Mummy!
I Hope that you are feeling well this fine morning. I just though I'd let you know how much I love you and think that you are a wonderful mother. I know things get hard and i know you miss Ami alot, but i want you to know that we can stick this out together and I am here through thick and thin. I love you heaps. You give the most amazing hugs and the little things you do for me make me smile so much and I appreciate it all. I know I can get on your nerves sometimes because I hardly clean my room and stuff, but I am sorry for the times I snap. I know that you are just being a good mum and if it weren't for you...I wouldn't be the person I am today. You have done so much for me. Supported me, supported and believed in my hopes and dreams, allowed me to prosper and have my moments. Helped me learn from my mistakes and grow on what I have achieved. You have been the best mum a mother could be! You continue to do so everyday. I know sometimes you feel down about the way you look, but to me, Wilson and so many other people...you are beautiful and stronghearted. You're amazing in so many ways. Creative, smart, sporty, funny, lovable, huggable, caring, considerate, nurturing, loyal, brave, tenatious and a wonderful mother with people around you that love and adore you. You've left footprints on so many people and you leave them wherever you go. people never forget you because of who you are and what you stand for. I will never forget you. I love you heaps mum. <3 Beth xoxo infinite. <3 * :) xo

She's amazing.

Beth xx

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


When is enough, enough? How much should one person deal with? I think I am starting to finally realise why I am having so much issues with friends...It's the drama that goes with them. I'm tired of being the one they come to complain to and to ask advice from...and the thing is, I think they have realised it and moved on...And now I have a new one who has learned that I am a good listener and great with advice, and even though Sue is such a sweetie...I don't know how to tell her that I can't take any more. It'll just crush her. She is finally learning to open up and move on from everything and open up her friendship circle. But really, I have my own issues I need to deal with and I honestly can't here any more drama because it's all to overwhelming.
I got to see my friend Joker. The one I was telling you about, who always texts me and never gives me a break...but everytime I see her, I don't want her to go...It was real good just walking around the shops with her today. To catch up and all. I really missed her, and I just never knew how much.
I feel like I am trying to cling onto the past, when I really need to look ahead.
This weekend I am going to my dads. He is off the whole weekend! I'm glad, because even though my step-mum drives me nuts...I love my dad and miss him so much. I'd like to see him more often but I can't stand her. I get to see my sisters too :) Dad and the girls make me trully happy, and I forget my worries, forget the world and focus on here and now. My mum has that affect on me too but it is so unbelievably amazing to see my dad and the girls. Even my dad gets excited when I ask to come over. But my step-mum just makes it all hell.  Gahh!

I'm off again to the shops tomorrow to do a little bit of do-good positiveness involving sticky-notes and a permenant pen. Let's just say Sue and I are sticking them everywhere around the shops and on clothes tags etc. with positive note written on them :).
I'm off to go write some more now.

Night all!
Beth xx

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

...Hug me?

Usually I put on a brave face and pretend like nothing is bothering me, but really...I am hurting inside. I'm really trying to stay positive about things and just go with the flow, but the problem is, the flow aint going nowhere. I'm trying to lose weight but it's so damn hard. It doesn't help when your dad and step-mum constantly pick on the fact I don't look like I have lost weight or changed much at all. But then you have someone telling you that you look like you have lost weight, every time they see you...and you know for a fact that you haven't changed size at all because your clothes still fit the same. It just hurts so much.
I'm still upset about the fact I'm losing friends and the only closet friend you have, you don't get to see often. I thank him ever so much for being there for me. I have this other friend too. She's a really sweetie and is going through a real tough time right now, though she can be a little over dramatic. I'm teaching her to cook too. But it's just not the same. It's really hard to not have contact with your once best friend. She is busy at school and isn't allowed to see me anymore and now we are drifting apart...I no longer feel like we are best friends, I feel more like an aquaintance to her now. We used to share everyday together, stay up late talking, just being best friends and now....nothing :( I'm so tired of crying.
I just want things to be different, for my dad to be able to have a D 'n' M with me and not tell my step mum everything we talked about. By gosh she is just a bitch, she really ruins everything and is trying to control my life. I want to be able to see my dad without her being in my face. She doesn't want to share him but to bloody bad, I am here to. I want to be able to have dad confront me himself if he has a problem about something or thinks I need to pull my weight around the house a bit more. Not have her go behind dads back to lecture me and belittle me. I want to be able to see my friends more, to actually feel like I have friends, and not feel so alone all the time. I thank my friend Sue for coming over every now and then, staying the night and cooking with me, watching movies and swapping goss, but as I said, it just isn't the same. She is just going to be friend for now, and for a while. I just really need a hug.
I'm a very huggable person. I love hugs. They make me feel warm and fuzzy and I can tell so much from just one hug. Whether I am going to be able to get along well with the person, what type of mood they are in, if they are tense, relaxed, moody, faking it. It's very easy to tell someone by a hug....and I kinda miss that.
I just feel a little left out of everything. Left out of whats new. Left out of conversations. Talked over. Ignored. The third wheel. The one thats there, just there. I used to be known as a leader of a group. I'd be the motherly figure, the one my friends would come to for everything, be it a hug, a laugh, someone to talk to, someone to tell them straight, for brutal honesty, a shoulder to cry one. The first one they would call to hang out with. But now I don't even feel mentioned. I kinda hate being out of school right now.
I miss being held, feeling loved and even worse, Valentines day is coming up. Oh how I hate the day. It's kinda my unlucky day because everything just seems to go wrong.The one time I had someone to be my valentine, my ex boyfriend, he decides to ring me up the day before and cancel our plans because he had something come up with his friends and he didn't want to miss it. My work rings up asking for me to work a 10 hour shift on Valentines day, so I said yes because I'd rather not sop about it all day at home, I'd rather a distraction. But being work, I was put on express lanes and got to watch everyone all loved up walking around the shops and the flower stand outside was packed with guys buying roses and balloons for their valentine. It was miserable. But to top that damn day off, my ex decides to ring me saying, "oh guess what babe!?! we can do our valentines day plans now. My mates cancelled so I'm free now". My response being "go shove it up your ass, I'm working now because you fucked up and turned me down knowing full well I was excited that I finally had a valentine and you screw me over because your friends had a better plan. Well you can go and hang out with those little friends of yours now. Have fun, enjoy..." hang up. Furious I was.

I really have to stop ranting but this is the only way I can vent.
Being 2am right now, it's no wonder while my sleeping pattern is screwed. But I just can't sleep anymore...

Beth xx

Monday, February 7, 2011

....My Life Be Like, not moving anywhere.

Sometimes my mind starts to wonder and let I let myself sink into deep thoughts, esspecially when I am home alone. I'm starting to wonder where I stand, where I am in life, what to do, where do I go from here? And now that I have finished school, everything has changed and I am trying to keep up. When it comes to my friends, I don't know where I stand anymore. I don't really get to see anyone and now that most of my friends are out of school, they are moving on and closing up their friendships circles and I am kinda outta the loop here. I don't really feel like I have any close friends anymore and I feel like I'm not the one they want to hang out with or see anymore. They're all moving on with TAFE and UNI and they all start their courses soon but I am taking a gap year. I don't regret my decision because I have good reasons for it. I want to get a full-time job so I can afford my TAFE course (diploma of Nursing Enrolled Nurse course) and I am also joining the army reserves.
But finding a job is so hard and my dad and step-mum are on my back everytime I see them and speak to them, thats all that seems to matter to them. "Have you got a job yet?" "you realllly have to get a move on and start searching" "why don't you have a job yet?"....seriously BACK off. I'm doing the best I can and it isn't my fault that I'm not getting anything back yet. All they do is stress me out about everything. I'm over being treating like I'm a useless daughter that isn't motivated, doesn't know what she's doing, to lazy to do this, doesn't dress like this, doesn't behave like that. Why can't they accept me for me?
And my friends...My best friend I'm not allowed to see anymore coz her parents hate me, I don't get to see her also because she is still at highschool and I'm finished, My once best friend who still thinks of me as a best friend just drives me insane and bugs me all the time but I yet I can't help but miss her and it would hurt so much if we stopped all contact for good but I still can't stand her, it's weird this attatchment to her. My school-daughter, I consider her a great friend, we never really had huge conversations or talk deep into things but I love her to bits and she is just so cute, but I don't get to see her anymore, ever. She isn't allowed to come over because I live so far away from her and she is also now still at school. I miss her heaps. Another friend of mine, my concert buddy, she is just tooo depressing. Everything now is a drama or "I'm going to cut myself, I hate the world", but she brings it on herself. I can't stand it and if I say anything, it's like I become this evil person who she hates with a passion because "how dare I say something like that". My outside of school friends have closed up there circle, they see eachother all the time, text and call eachother, but they never reply to what I say really and are always pre-occupied or have plans. Then the group I hung out with at school for the last year, they don't really speek much and only decide to hang out when it's a bday or something, they aren't into the, lets-hang-out-and-have-a-sleep-over-just-coz type of thing.
I just feel so lost. Why do I have to live so far away and why is it so hard to get my P's. If only I had my P's, then I would be able to go place and go and see people, but my parents are not helpful at all in helping me drive with them to get my hours up. It's either I don't feel like it, to much cost for petrol or how about tomorrow?
This heat just doesn't help. I am trying to lose weight because I need to be a certain weight to get into the army reserves, but it's too hot and excersize makes me feel sick and lethargic in this weather. My body doesn't handle the heat. The pool down the road is also way to expensive. I hate sitting here, everyday, doing the same thing over and over. Sleep-in, eat, TV, Laptop, nap if I feel like it, stay up late watching TV or a movie then bed again only to do the same thing. I miss school.

Sorry for the random rant but writing is one of the only ways I can get things off my mind and express myself. :)
I should get some sleep.
Beth xx

Thursday, February 3, 2011

...Burn Baby Burn

I know It's been a week but I have been to hot and bothered to even get on my laptop. So its been Realllly hot lately. I am ever so thankful that there is a pool just down the road from me. It's been great. Eating iceblocks, laying under a fan, sitting with an ice cold washer on my face and having cold showers....yeah I can't wait for winter. Hopefully I'll get to go skiing again. But I doubt that coz it's so expensive.

I'm liking the fact that it's February coz it means it's the last month of summer, so bring on winter! I love the cold so much better. But February also means Soundwave! Only the best 12 hour concert with over 20 awesome heavy metal/punk/screamo etc bands! And I get to go! I went last year for my first time and loved it and this year, it has even more awesome bands. I can't wait to mosh to BMTH and BFMV, 30 Seconds to Mars, Iron Maiden. Too many to name! I'm pretty excited. To buy a new (or a few) band shirts, chill out with one of my best friends and whoever else I'll run into there (guarenteed I will run into people), check out the stalls, mosh, crowd surf (hopefully) and exaust myself stupid. 10am-10pm of pure epicness!

I may not post anything this weekend as my mums partners' kids are staying with us while there dad goes to towoomba. Hopefully on Saturday we are going to Dreamworld! Tower of Terror 2, Bring. It. On! It should be good, as long as little miss 11yr old keeps her cool and shuts her mouth. I don't think I could put up with her singing and demanding attitude for much longer. At least mister 13yr old and I get along.

Laters Peeps!
Beth xx

P.s My thoughts are with those in North QLD. May you all be safe and may you never lose hope while Cyclone Yusi rages on.