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I am me, Me is I. I express myself through writing and through my actions but not my words. I think with my heart but sometimes my brain takes over. I dream, I feel, I breathe, I love, I think. With trust comes my respect but break it once and you will spends years maybe your life rebuilding it and it will never, ever under any circumstances be completely regained.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

...Hug me?

Usually I put on a brave face and pretend like nothing is bothering me, but really...I am hurting inside. I'm really trying to stay positive about things and just go with the flow, but the problem is, the flow aint going nowhere. I'm trying to lose weight but it's so damn hard. It doesn't help when your dad and step-mum constantly pick on the fact I don't look like I have lost weight or changed much at all. But then you have someone telling you that you look like you have lost weight, every time they see you...and you know for a fact that you haven't changed size at all because your clothes still fit the same. It just hurts so much.
I'm still upset about the fact I'm losing friends and the only closet friend you have, you don't get to see often. I thank him ever so much for being there for me. I have this other friend too. She's a really sweetie and is going through a real tough time right now, though she can be a little over dramatic. I'm teaching her to cook too. But it's just not the same. It's really hard to not have contact with your once best friend. She is busy at school and isn't allowed to see me anymore and now we are drifting apart...I no longer feel like we are best friends, I feel more like an aquaintance to her now. We used to share everyday together, stay up late talking, just being best friends and now....nothing :( I'm so tired of crying.
I just want things to be different, for my dad to be able to have a D 'n' M with me and not tell my step mum everything we talked about. By gosh she is just a bitch, she really ruins everything and is trying to control my life. I want to be able to see my dad without her being in my face. She doesn't want to share him but to bloody bad, I am here to. I want to be able to have dad confront me himself if he has a problem about something or thinks I need to pull my weight around the house a bit more. Not have her go behind dads back to lecture me and belittle me. I want to be able to see my friends more, to actually feel like I have friends, and not feel so alone all the time. I thank my friend Sue for coming over every now and then, staying the night and cooking with me, watching movies and swapping goss, but as I said, it just isn't the same. She is just going to be friend for now, and for a while. I just really need a hug.
I'm a very huggable person. I love hugs. They make me feel warm and fuzzy and I can tell so much from just one hug. Whether I am going to be able to get along well with the person, what type of mood they are in, if they are tense, relaxed, moody, faking it. It's very easy to tell someone by a hug....and I kinda miss that.
I just feel a little left out of everything. Left out of whats new. Left out of conversations. Talked over. Ignored. The third wheel. The one thats there, just there. I used to be known as a leader of a group. I'd be the motherly figure, the one my friends would come to for everything, be it a hug, a laugh, someone to talk to, someone to tell them straight, for brutal honesty, a shoulder to cry one. The first one they would call to hang out with. But now I don't even feel mentioned. I kinda hate being out of school right now.
I miss being held, feeling loved and even worse, Valentines day is coming up. Oh how I hate the day. It's kinda my unlucky day because everything just seems to go wrong.The one time I had someone to be my valentine, my ex boyfriend, he decides to ring me up the day before and cancel our plans because he had something come up with his friends and he didn't want to miss it. My work rings up asking for me to work a 10 hour shift on Valentines day, so I said yes because I'd rather not sop about it all day at home, I'd rather a distraction. But being work, I was put on express lanes and got to watch everyone all loved up walking around the shops and the flower stand outside was packed with guys buying roses and balloons for their valentine. It was miserable. But to top that damn day off, my ex decides to ring me saying, "oh guess what babe!?! we can do our valentines day plans now. My mates cancelled so I'm free now". My response being "go shove it up your ass, I'm working now because you fucked up and turned me down knowing full well I was excited that I finally had a valentine and you screw me over because your friends had a better plan. Well you can go and hang out with those little friends of yours now. Have fun, enjoy..." hang up. Furious I was.

I really have to stop ranting but this is the only way I can vent.
Being 2am right now, it's no wonder while my sleeping pattern is screwed. But I just can't sleep anymore...

Beth xx

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